1

1 Oakland Raiders 0-10 ranking of need fulfillment - N

! Russell's tangibles

? Russell's intangibles (described in my preview)

0-10 ranking of need fulfillment (N) -- 8

0-10 ranking of rookie year contributions + traded for vets (07) -- 7

0-10 ranking of the future for the draft classes (F) -- 9

This week's sign of the apocalypse -- The ravenous, satanic Raiders are praying for miracles. Winning the Super Bowl? No, divine/demonic intervention can only do so much. They're hoping to score more often than lifelong virgin A.C. Green. They drafted Quentin Moses, not because it reminds Raider Nation in their "Black Hole" Sunday home of "the hole" they all called home at some point, (sans San) but they're hoping Moses sees a burning (Michael) Bush run for half the scores he did as a junior in Louisville, which would equal last season's total output for the Raider team, when scoring nearly became extinct. The Raiders offense has been a relic of the past for many years now. As for Bush, the secret savior, don't wish him luck, saying "break a leg", or the Raider Nation may make the mafia nation proud in doing the same. Moses will be commanded to get to his pre-senioritis edict: thou shall get to the quarterback. Raider practices won't qualify as pertinent obstacles however just padded speed bumps. Good thing Jamarcus Russell has a little bit of padding on his statuesque frame, taking over last year's pinata position for the Raiders. Zach Miller, the Sun Devil (so much for Raiders' attempt at prayers) will be a perfect 5 yard dump-off garbage collector. Talk about a waste for a once-a-generation surface-to-air rocket that Russell is armed with. Instead of trading down for him, they would have been well-advised to trade up three spots for Greg Olsen, in front of the tight end hungry Bears, at #30 with the Chargers (who certainly easily could have traded down for Craig Davis, since many considered him a 2 ^nd round fringe prospect, but it's unknown what the laid back Chargers think of doing business with those unruly Raiders that are their northern neighbors). I at least know that Olsen would be a faster version of fellow Viking descendant Todd Christensen -- Raider star of yesteryear. Raider Nation has to have a fascination of Vikings with their barbarian ways. Olsen's receiver-like speed would have really served Russell well, being such a quick outlet to stretch the seam. Instead it's likely he'll be served up himself with eviction notices from the pocket by its' paid for raider-like invaders. Even as a dump-off option, there might not even be any Miller Time (note to Miller Brewing Co. advertisers -- Raiders love to drink beer) with his 40 time slower than it takes some Raider fans to drink a whole 40 ounce. At the combine with him fumbling, bumbling, and stumbling in his drills, it looked like he downed one or two of these huge unnatural brewskis. Olsen however goes down(field) smooth like a Molson's beer. But for now for the safety of Russell, it might be best to only have downfield dreams. "Build it and then they will come" (Field of Dreams) should have been Al Davis' new motto for his troubled line and lagging attendance, instead of suing the city of Oakland. Maybe the old "Just Win Baby" still works, but just applied to an annual, instead of weekly basis. The Raiders with their matador trained Raider line, only brought in Mario Henderson who might be as big as Harry in Harry and the Hendersons, but until his senior season he was also as gentle as him, yet the Raiders trade two picks to take him too early. This is a typical this generation Raider pick, with his effort only included when it's of interest to him, kind of like disgruntled Jerry Porter and his insubordination that forced the Raiders to suspend him for a quarter of a year. Maybe he was inspired by the lead character in American Beauty who blackmailed his boss for a year off before turning into a ghost. The ghost of Randy Moss who only played on the zombie-auto pilot levels last year is a perfect example since his literal physical absence would have been a benefit to the offense with his absolute apathy. Maybe post Moss, the Raiders lost all fascination with Vikings. But never mind with Moss, what happened to guys like John Matuszak, Lyle Alzado, and Jim Otto, who had 37 football related surgeries and still played to his utmost capabilities despite having more cartilage in his ears than his knees. They could have had another Otto (Mike) in the 7 ^th round who started a remarkable 50 games despite injuries. To be fair they did sign Bronco Cooper Carlisle, Buccaneer Cornell Green, and 49er Jeremy Newberry in free agency to bolster the Swiss cheese line. However the former two only come with dirt on Davis' most hated enemies in the NFL -- his previous underlings, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden, and the latter comes with the shot knees of Jim Otto, since he's coming off a mafia-style displaced (not merely dislocated) kneecap and may never be able to practice. As for Moss and his displaced heart, how much more symbolic could it be that the Raiders wanted to one-up Moss on his complete lack of interest in them? They drafted complete unknown John Bowie with the draft pick they acquired from the Patriots for Moss, despite cornerback being one of the few positions of relative strength for the Raiders and Bowie not having much more experience with football than David Bowie. And of all the teams Al Davis hates, the Patriots have to rank at the top with the poor Raiders being victim to the tuck rule with Tom Brady's fumble that wasn't a fumble, losing the golden opportunity to go to Super Bowl in the place of the Patriots seemingly a lifetime ago. But if it's any consolation to you Raider fans, even if it is Randy Moss that's the difference in the Patriots barely making it to the Super Bowl this year, it surely won't be at the expense of the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Oakland did replace Moss, with a younger ghost of his former self in Mike Williams, who was so ineffective as a Lion, backup quarterback Josh McNown played ahead of him and has now has followed him to Oakland. And another not too talented position changer in Mike Furrey -- started ahead of Big Mike, but in Oakland he'll fit right in with this underachieving crew.

2008 day 1 draft: #3 DT Glenn Dorsey (hopefully another Warren Sapp)

                               2 OT Alex Boone     (hopefully not another Robert Gallery )

2 Detroit Lions

!Calvin Johnson -- he of the fool-proof never to be a bust guarantee, and real strong hall of fame bust in Canton possibility

? Another WR?!?!

N -- 1

07 -- 9

F - 9

GM Matt Millen matches Dubya's stubbornness by taking a wide receiver in the top 10 for the 4 ^th year in a row. Offensive co-ordinator Mike Martz in his quest to crank up a strong 4 WR set, (knowing Millen could never do better than picking a bust every other year) chants "four more years." If Calvin Johnson is a bust then Detroit should really just consider letting the football business go belly up, as has the Detroit Motown scene and has hypothetically been predicted of Detroit's automotive industry by at least one lone ranger. Maybe Detroit 's not the classiest city, but you've still got Kid Rock and Eminem¡uh never mind. Maybe it's time some inspiring synergy saves Detroit from rusting like a Corvair on salty roads. Background owner, William Clay Ford, maybe as a way to boost your corporation's PR and limiting bad PR against Lions management, you should give away a Ford to someone who doesn't chant "Fire Millen" or walk out in protest of him. Oh no takers? How about having each member of the Supremes and Jackson 5 perform at every home game one person at a time (referring to the singers, not their remaining fan(s). Oh shoot, it turns out the lead singer of both bands was actually the same person.

Besides Johnson, the Lions took projects projected for other positions on the first day. Ikaika-Alama Francis is thought to inevitably get shifted inside, like Cory Redding and Shaun Cody have been. Gerald Alexander is a SS that's playing FS and has been talked about as a Tampa 2 corner for the Lions.

Drew Stanton, who will remain a QB, but plays like a FB, is a lot like his GM -- tough as a bull, but often as thoughtful as one as well, with his run through the gauntlet mentality. Gerald Alexander (who has toughness as one of his main attribute and is from the one school said to value mental toughness above most all other qualities in Boise St.) is a good example of Millen's numb skull bullish stubbornness, since he was expected to be selected half a draft later, yet Millen had to trade up for him in his charge ahead, no looking back style that he carries over from his playing days as a MLB that hardly ever looked back in pass coverage as a glorified nose tackle. It's odd that the Lions completely overlooked the MLB position as that was their most immediate need for the Tampa 2 defense, which features the MLB as the glue of the defense, because of their deep and extensive coverage responsibilities, but maybe that immediate withdrawal, retreat, and surrender from the line of scrimmage is as abominable to Millen as chopping off one's testicles, and by God Millen loves balls made by God so much he asked a player in a test of testosterone to account for them. An assistant coach was possibly so bugged by Millens persistent testicle questioning that he snapped and drove through a Wendy's drive thru in his birthday suit and then was busted for DUI the next week in a plea for help and freedom from the Lions.

#6 MLB Dan Connor

2 TE Martellus Bennett

3 SS Josh Barrett

How could Mr. Millen, the Knittin' Lion, (just kiddin' Mr. Millen) possibly pass up on his fellow Nittany Lion, Connor, who has both toughness and the speed to drop into coverage? Can he take anything but a wideout in the first? Mike Martz isn't the biggest on tight ends, but Bennett is yet another big threat for the end zone, and Millen pretends he's just a wide wideout, since he's hardly bigger than Calvin Johnson.

3 Cleveland Browns

! Brady Quinn at 22!

? For next year's first round pick, which turns out to be the top pick, and an early second round pick.

N -- 6

07 -- 9

F -- 1

Not even can't he win "the big one," or handle any pressure with his happy feet, but he couldn't even handle a camera filming him with Brady Quinn being the first player ever to retreat into the womb of the commissioner's cocoon. Roger Goddell was praised for his coddling compassion.

It was a funny moment when Quinn popped back in his collar after the comment by Tony Kornheiser saying he'd be naked soon. Hey kid, don't you know it's the new hot thing to "pop ya collar"? It was hilarious when Quinn checked his perfectly tucked in collar, right when the camera panned to him after another draft slot falling by the wayside. After nitpicking his hair, collar, tie, and gum chewing, we're going to take to take you straight to the source of all this draft day soap operatic controversy and see what Quinn himself thinks is the reason for this slide.

Hi draft fans, this is Draftman Hansen reporting from the draft live with the Steelers at number 15 on the clock. If you're just tuning in, you've missed out on a riveting draft day slide by quarterback Brady Quinn. Things are looking pretty critical. Doctors were helicoptered in and have just informed us that they're virtually certain that if Quinn is still unselected by the time the teen picks run out, he will either get an aneurysm, or his ego will devolve into delusions of grandeur. So what's going down, Mr. might not be too "Mighty Quinn"? "Well my creator and puppet master Charlie Weiss said I was gonna have to slide in the pros. I just had an epiphany that this all must be a part of his mysterious plan and that I have been the chosen one to be nailed to the draft cross to show all lost souls the power of redemption in an anonymous modern world. Touchdown Jesus!" (bingo to latter diagnosis).

I guess Phil Savage was so busy patting himself on the back after his two day one trade-ups that he completely gave up on getting any contributors from day 2, despite the Browns needing help at every position, prior to the previous day. Savage taking Quinn, before the Ravens could trade up to take him and beat them is akin to the Texans taking Mario Williams to beat Peyton Manning and the Colts. Thomas has good foot speed, but nothing can match Quinn's happy feet.

2 3-4 OLB Tommy Blake

3 C John Sullivan

The Browns are desperate for a NT, but Quinn blames his many dropped snaps on his center having balls too big for him to cleanly receive the pigskin, so the Browns give in and get Sullivan, whose butt and balls Quinn got accustomed to in college. BJ Raji the only true NT would have been the pick in the third, had he not been snatched up two picks earlier.

4 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

! Jon Gruden -- his team might be a bunch of question marks, but JG's always good for exclamation marks.

? How long will it be for calls to fire Gruden come forth, if he doesn't magically turn this sinking Buccaneer ship around to head back to shore and will the calls originate with Florida resident Donald Trump (ex owner of the New Jersey Generals, a USFL team that included Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie)?

N -- 2

07 -- 9

F -- 7

Jon "hijo del Diablo" Gruden didn't get a chance in hell to trade up with his ex-boss and father -- Al "Darth Vader" Davis. Hate him he may, but J. Luke S. Gruden didn't fall far from Al Davis' tree by picking up first round busts/drunks in Jeremy Stevens and Ryan Sims. Stevens could be a steal, because he got picked up for the Mexican minimal wage and a non-union not even one "pinche" peso signing bonus. Maybe with that lack of paper trail, Gruden could deny having signed him, should Stevens get picked up by the police after plowing into a retirement home which will be pretty hard for Stevens to miss in Margaritaville, Florida. Seattle senior citizens have already told Florida Governor Jeb Bush to reinforce all buildings upon his arrival. Sims has been about as effective with the Chiefs as one of those Sims cyber characters would be.

Gaines Adams will allow the Bucs to add by subtracting Simeon Rice. Sabby Piscitelli was more of a silly than a savvy pick. With his stiffness, he's a misfit in the Tampa 2, and doesn't really fit at OLB with the duo of Cato June and Quincy Black who can dance the Tampa 2 better than any Texan can dance the Texas 2 step. Thankfully, CB Tanard Jackson will be a convert to FS, where the Bucs had posted help wanted signs and Sabby will be tried at SS, though he's another in-the-box safety for them when they needed someone who could think outside of the box.

#5 WR Desean Jackson

      DT Roy Miller

      QB Andre Woodson

5 Arizona Cardinals

N -- 5

07 -- 9.5

F -- 8

! Two top 10 picks a month prior to the draft and another who some considered a first rounder last year, and as he said, a first rounder with another 2 inches. If I only had another two inches I would have been first with my ex-girlfriend (just kidding I would have lopped off two inches to have become a free agent a year earlier (make that from my hair please).

? Levi Brown would have been there for the taking in the bottom 10.

In my draft preview I had hypothesized after an off-season of repeated bad news for the draft stock of Alan Branch, he would just top it off by announcing his retirement the morning of the draft. Judging by how not one single ESPN draft announcer had even mentioned a word of Branch until his selection with Arizona's trade-up to stop Branch's free-fall plunge from the draft tree, it seemed like that is just what happened. They might not even have had to trade-up since it seemed nobody had put out a draft APB on AB (though somebody surely would have taken him before the Cards). They definitely should have traded down for Levi Brown, but Ken Whisenhunt really puts his stamp on the Cardinals with these two picks to make Cardinals tougher than the vultures they've been, mostly just racking up a bunch of yards when the game is already dead. 5'9" Buster Davis is Mighty Mouse and might be flying between Branch's legs to make tackles in the backfield. But it all depends on the biology relationship of a large species and a small being with Branch playing the host to Buster's hostess, allowing him to feed on whatever there is to clean up. That hinges on Branch's ability to tie up blockers better than any dominatrix could, otherwise Buster will be eaten up by lineman like a Duster Buster does dirt.

#9 3-4 DE Tyson Jackson

2 CB Brandon Flowers

3 3-4 OLB Chris Ellis

6 Washington Redskins

! This week's second sign of the apocalypse -- the Redskins draft a Landry and a Dallas with their first two picks.

? This week's sign Washington is the not the most progressive town -- not picking anyone that could do anything to improve the Redskins' non-existent pass rush. Well what can one expect when it's a city run by congress, which is inherently a contradiction to progress (by name anyway)

N ¨C 0 That's a big NO to the needs of Redskin draftniks in favor of Snyder's insidious vices.

07 -- 6

F -- 1

Washington has the last line of defense covered with Laron Landry and free agent/off the street corners. Now Washington will get defense contractors to draft ample front line help from the national reserves to trample a quarterback or two, because last year's platoon didn't have any ammo, managing only 19 sacks, which may be the lowest ever of the modern era while quarterbacks averaged well over a 97rating against the Deadskins (add Dick Cheney's approval rating and they're almost up to 100) and were about as opportunistic creating turnovers as a beltway trust fund fogey baby who has stocked his hand-me-down corporation with the same cronies for a generation. Yet they drafted nor signed anybody for the front lines. Maybe another draft is under way in Washington. Sargeant Daniel Snyder who is the spitting twin image size of Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, should trade some very wanted and vaunted Washington Redskin season tickets by getting some huge dudes off the dole -- no, not Viagra pimper and ex-Senator Bob Dole, but welfare with its many overgrown dopes. Also included in the trade for the Redskins, is getting to pick the biggest Mexicans on a guest worker contract (Before they put the immigrants to work one last time by building our version of the Berlin wall, so no more illegal immigrants can work here). It's a win-win situation for all sides and the Redskins' stock goes up with the good PR in hiring the descendants of the original "red skins" and keeps the Redskin name safe with a few token "red skins" to parade. This farfetched idea may not be so far out after all, after the Redskins brought in an unheard of (?) 64 undrafted players in after the draft. Of course they managed to reel in some big names during the draft, like H.B. Blades who has had 3 family members in the pros and Jordan Palmer, who is Carson's little brother. Blades is consistently around the ball, but height-wise he got shaved a few inches by God. Palmer has the statuesque height, but his consistency is a 50/50 proposition and was the worst player at the Senior Bowl. They also signed Byron Westbrook, better know as Brian Westbrook's little brother.

#5 DE Calais Campbell

2   DT Dre Moore

3   G Jordan Grimes

The inside info is the Redskins are honing in on Brooke Hogan. No, not for boning (with the bust of the capitol area Madame) for Hovan's hulking genes on the field nor in Snyder's stumpy family tree, but with her being a singer on a reality show, Snyder figures she has a better chance of being a star than any draft eligible football players. Snyder considers it a shrewd move, not taking one of the Simpson sisters. They could always trade away most of the draft for the fading fame of some waning star's name (or relatives'), so the above picks are very hypothetical right now.

7 Minnesota Vikings

! "A-D-"Adrian Peterson can run all day!

? With the state of Minnesota's passing game, how many drives will have staying power?

N -- 5

07 -- 9

F -- 9

The Vikings of old times never knew flight and by the looks of things last year, still haven't mastered flying the friendly skies, so next year decide to trade up to the top spot where a born to fly Cardinal named Brian Brohm is ready to let fish loving Vikings haul in some big ones. This will be especially critical because fish are predicted to be extinct by the year 2048 -- seriously. OK so Brohm's arm doesn't approach the arms of the NRA, IRA, or even some MIA, whithering away. He has the dreaded system quarterback tag that instantly puts QB's on the clearance sale rack, but coach Childress needs someone who can run his West Coast offense, before they revert to the extinct Midwest Offense of the Wishbone, which Peterson (from a wishbone team of old -- the Sooners and from the state of Texas where it originated) would be happy to run from with 1200 yard rusher Chestor Taylor.

#8 QB Brian Brohm

2 OT-G Gosder Cherilus

3 TE John Carlson

3 (Denver ) DT Marcus Harrison

Old habits die hard for the not all that evolved Vikings and for the third time this decade don't make their pick on time. When pick number 8 comes, cost conscious Zygi Wulf finally sings "Eight is Enough" and pick Brohm with the 8 ^th pick they were trading up from. Good thing they solved the problem for 2009 by trading away that year's first rounder. Carlson is not Greg Olsen's twin, but he gives the Vikings one of their own kind (and he's not a twig like Mary Kate).

8 Atlanta Falcons

! Three possible starters right off the bat and maybe four with the injury of Demorrio Williams.

? Houston, we have a problem. What do you say we just forget about that trade we made?

N -- 7

07 -- 9

F -- 8

With the sudden injury to one starting DT, which has been hypothesized to be sidelining him for much of the season, and the status of another starting DT still a question since he'd rather sue the Falcons then suit up for the ol' "dirty birds", and the other DT's on the team being about as wanted as one of Michael Vick's STD's, the Falcons plead to recall the trade they made with the Texans in trading Matt Schaub and flip-flopping first round picks. Schaub and ex-Bob Petrino recruit and now Texan DT Amobi Okoye would look real good right about now with Vick facing a likely suspension. Arthur "Blank" Check offers 66 million in salary cap money for next year, along with the same in treasury money, along with the 2 second rounders, Vick, and a 2013 first round pick. Rebuffed, then he commissions Stephen Hawking to take us back in time before Vick received $103 million contract and the trade of his back-up. Keith Brookings was moaning about having to go inside to pick up all the trash, instead of staying outside at linebacker where he was left free to roam and play with abandon. Now he'll be getting into form by tackling the left lane on I-16 every morning in nothing but pads before practice. Once the season rolls around, he'll ask to get switched to getting the duties of doo-doo removal from Vick's kennels, since Blank is surely getting that taking care of too. The one-time stadium staple of "Who Let the Dogs Out" has now become who let the dogs in from Virginia to Atlanta to inevitably Nancy Grace if it turns into a felony case. "Doggate" will be the new national story, especially if Entertainment Tonight can get the exclusive story on any of the innocent victims, (woof!) besides Vick himself who spelled out three quarters of his last name, before spelling out the name Tim in talking about himself as the truest, purest victim in all of Virginia this year. As is common with many victims, it was all just his family's fault, and he was completely unaware he was a registered dog breeder and owner of VicksK-9Kennels. Of course with such a victim as Vick, there are more to scapegoat than family. There's always the press who had the audacity to write out his name -- Vicktim -- without VIP as a surname when they reported on his law-flouting drug concealing, and infringed on his right to spread as many sexually transmitted diseases as Vick, the dawg wants, and being the ultimate dog fighting champion of 666 breeds (give or take a 6). Mr. Vick (AKA Ron Mexico), a word to the wise, (or not so wise in your case) next time you have an STD treated, (in prison possibly) instead of blaming the entire country of Mexico, like all non-CEO Republicans, just come up with one Mexican Don Juan. By the way Bulldog loving Atlanta is the last city you should be playing for. You should really take a plane to Timbuk 2 with or without your bong water bottle in your little fumble prone hand. But first there are many gates to go through (and don't think that includes the gates of heaven). Besides "doggate" there's also "planegate" where it will be determined whether you may or may not have boarded the plane to show your face for Virginia Tech PR under the Hollywood motto of "all press is good press". Evidence will reveal whether or not Vick threw his boarding ticket into the trash along with his ganja bottle or whether he overthrew the trash can as he is wont to do with his many of his throws (sorry Falcons, but your receivers are in fact throw-away garbage). That would at least net the prosecution a littering charge in the upcoming wiping the slate clean plea of felony defendant, Mr. Vick, at least until the next time he puts the perp in victim. Unless it's shown Vick's little hand can't possibly fit in whatever glove he may be forced to model in court. T-shirt's of "since the glove won't fit" on one side with "Vick, you must acquit" are already being printed. Speaking of victims, Mr. Vick, what do you have to say about the tragic deaths of those thirty two students. "Victims? What friggin victims? I and I Sir VIP Vick is the legit victim here. Those slow, sorry chumps had what was coming to them, cuz they couldn't outrun bullets like Mr. Michael Vick does every week, on and off the field. But since nobody can be as blessed as me athletically, what they should have done is toughen up by buying some of my specially trained assassin stopping dogs, I mean my cousin's dogs and they would have removed that goofy kung-fu dudes' every tooth and nail. Well that's not such a nice gesture of kindness and sympathy for innocent victims. "Man, didn't I tell you who the victim is here? You want a nice gesture for them? Here's a shout out -- double fingered birdies the size of library pencils emerges re-enacting his famous scene for the Falcon faithful.

# 13 DT Frank Okam

    2 LT Barry Richardson

    2 MLB Jasper Brinkley

    3 QB Colt Brennan

    Petrino has to consider taking his Cardinal receivers ¨C Mario Urrutia for possession and Harry Douglas for speed, unless they show up in court for those reasons, but with Michael Vick's court situation still unsettled, a QB is needed and the wide receiver field looks deep.

9 Mia mi Dolphins

! Ted Ginn sure is a big questionable risk, but he sure inspired a lot of exclamation points when his selection was made known in Miami. That combustible storm should be named be named hurricane Ted after Coach Cam Cameron, used his 9 year old? son as a shield against ravenous Dolphin fans.

? San Diego, will you please take back your coach?

Instead of making a what the hell, the world is coming to an end selection with Alan Branch as I'd theorized in my draft review, the Dolphins make a what the hell, out of left field pick in Ted Ginn who had better hit some returns out of the park every year from punts others would have called a fair catch and park more people in season ticket seats for the Dolphins to get any fair return on this volatile investment. Former Dolphin coach, ex-adviser, and stock market aficionado should have said only buy low, like late teens at the absolute earliest. This risky pick as it turns out wasn't just to select Ginn, it was to get the Ginn family as new coach Cam Cameron said in his own defense. Johnson, master of the trade-down for multiple players, would certainly approve if that includes future DB's from the senior Ginn's Glenville program since their high school secondary of a few years ago is probably better than the misfits Miami currently has there. Dolphin fans can only try to get past rage and denial to pray that Chet Lemon Juice can make something sweet out of the bitter tasting Ginn, instead of the tease hell probably be, netting the Dolphins few wins (but that turns out not to be such a problem for the Dolphins, since their fins don't really care much for netting anyway). God-loving Dolphin lovers put in overtime, praying that the decision to let the glue of their passing game -- Wes Walker -- catch Tom Brady's passes, (along with Brady's baby momma to be Bridget Moynahan and current pregnated flame Gisele Bundchen) to take Samson Satele works out better than it did for Samson in the bible. Along with hiring a better bodyguard for himself, Cameron should also get one for Samson and his long hair, to assure the safety of the revolving door of Dolphin quarterbacks. With the cast of cast-offs the Dolphins have had at quarterback since Dan Marino, it's no surprise fans reacted like a scorned, vindictive woman on Flavor of Love when they found out they wouldn't be getting the golden boy of their dreams Brady Quinn, who has been advertised as king of the division Tom Brady with correctable flaws. Instead they get John Beck, who at best will recreate the Jay Fiedler era, but at least those were the best post Marino days, and it was Cameron who turned Drew Brees Blows into oh how Drew Brees can throw! If the Mormon John Beck is anything like his traditional ancestors, he could match Brady in connecting his passes off the field too (but he'd better not pop open a Beck's in the stifling Miami heat he's complaining about). Until then, Dolphins management joins the city in praying that they can pry Trent Green away from the Chiefs before they pry all his teeth for dentures (on the second thought those pearly whites look too perfect to really be his still). My crystal ball said the fish sank in their fish tank in 08, after getting drunk on Ginn after his one teasing return, much like the Buckeyes in the national championship. But their saving grace is that Brady Quinn turns out to be no better than Joey Harrington, whom he has been compared to and whom no Dolphins protested for when he was let go. Coach Petrino might turn him into a savior in Atlanta though.

#2 OT Jake Long

2 3-4 OLB Quenton Groves

3 TE Jaison Williams/SS Patrick Chung

Jake Long remains a better prospect at RT than LT, but the Dolphins have shaky prospects at both, so go for Long, so they might have time to go Long to Ginn in 08. Joey Porter gave all the time in the world to quarterbacks having lost his bite, though he did a lot of barking at players running by him, so they take a younger version of him in Groves. Williams is a wide receiver that's wide enough to play tight end, which is a position Cameron will desperately want filled after the stock of another former WR -- David Martin's, goes bankrupt like K-Mart did. Williams has the talent for Cameron not to fiend too much for the days of Antonio Gates in San Diego. Since he's fiending for DB's, Williams' teammate, Chung could be an option if the quacky Ducks don't get smoked again like they against John Beck in their Christmas bowl game. Ho-ho-ho, they sure were in a giving spirit that evening. Jamario O'Neal would have been the pick, but Cameron thought the ex-Glenville standout DB came included with the Ginn family. If Nick Saban were still coach it likely would have LSU CB Chevis Jackson. Hopefully Dolphins won't long for the short days of Saban, who also went by the name of Satan by some in the Miami media.

10 Houston Texans

! They could end up with the first pick next year! Uhh that hasn't worked out yet.

? How long will it be till Matt Schaub checks out Charles Schwab's retirement services, as David Carr was pondering after the weekly beatings he received.

N -- 2

07 -- 7

F -- 1

Schaub is wailing woe is me after the Amobi and Jacoby picks took care of any possibility of getting the leaky line plugged any time soon, which is what drove Carr out of town and consider retirement, but as a lyricist to be, the Amobi & Jacoby picks sound like harmonious music to the ears. Visually Amobi looked like a munchkin next to a QB and WR (granted it was Jamarcus Russell and Calvin Johnson). Regarding Schaub's success and survival, the Texans didn't have a lineman that was worth a dime, (or their 10 ^th pick anyway) but could have traded down for Joe Staley and recouped the second round picks they lost for Schaub, however it seems their stated interest in Staley was a smokescreen. By the time it was finally time for their third round pick the smoke had cleared, and there wasn't an exterior lineman worth one cent.

Despite them waiting his arrival like that of the second coming, The Texans have never really filled the second WR position for any lengthy period, and are unlikely to have that happen anytime soon with Jacoby with his small hands and raw nature. He does show talented flashes like Terrell Owens did in his all-star game (another 6'3'' small school 3 ^rd round pick). Terrell Owens only seems to be displaying hot flashes these days from his menopause.

There are serious safety issues for the backfield with the sieve in front of them and there are no safeties that would make most teams' rosters, but Houston can't possibly pass up McFadden, or they may become cursed by having passed up Bush (just like Owens in his private time;).

#1 RB Darren McFadden

3   S Jamario O'Neal

They max out their credit cards getting OL in free agency and now can say Reggie who?

11 San Francisco 49ers

! Mike Nolan, you've got unknowns growing into gold stashing 49ers.

? How did this bare-bones team from the pansy city of no-pants wearing San Francisco have a respectable record last year?

Like a pre-op "trannie," the 49ers are a team in transition, going to the 3-4, so many of their picks will contribute immediately, but with a tougher schedule this year, don't be surprised if they regress.

N -- 6

07-- 9

F -- 5

# 30 (Indianapolis) Bruce Davis

2 WR James Hardy

3 FS Josh Pinkard

12 Buffalo Bills

! Two starters from day one

? Really needed another immediate starter at CB, but somehow ignored the need.

N -- 4

07 -- 10

F -- 4

With there being nobody but little Lee Evans to throw to, Marshawn Lynch had better be a good outlet receiver. The classic cut-back runner had better also cut and run like OJ Simpson in his prime as a Buffalo Bill. OJ went to school (community college) in the Bay area, just like Lynch did, who followed OJ into the world in a nearby location. With an ex-girlfriend's accusations of domestic and sexual assault hovering above him, he had really better not cut and run like OJ did off the field. With his annual injuries Trent Edwards might not have as much playing experience from a player that should soon be battling for the back-up gig at quarterback, but since he got pounded into submission at sucky Stanford, he should be used to being battered like Nicole Simpson (RIP) had been, which will come in handy since the signing of quarterback killer Langston Walker at RT will insure he wont be a back-up for long (nor starter of course). Even if some people criticized the picks of Derek Schouman and C.J. Ah You, due to Schouman being another limited talent at tight end and nepotism factoring in with the selection of Ah You, whose father played for Marv Levy, The Bills will always be blessed with Ah SchouYou! Bless you Bills. Just don't kill anybody Lynch and don't be an accessory Langston.

# 12 CB Paul Oliver (He just declared for the supplemental draft. Taking Oliver would give them three day one starters, though he could fall much further in day one in the supplemental draft)

   2 WR Limas Sweed

   3 LB Erin Henderson

13 St. Louis Rams

! 2 out of three top picks come into positions of real need.

? Taking three DL seemingly best suited for a 3-4?

N -- 4

07 -- 3

F -- 3

The Rams liked past Cornhusker Grant Wistrom, so go back to the well again with the similar but bigger Adam Carriker, who they'll be moving inside, allowing him to possibly worship his idol Wistrom inches away, (if they re-sign him after getting cut). The Rams have had enough of their DT's worshipping in submission, so decide not to take back Wistrom. The Rams love Leonard Little's play, so take another Leonard in Brian Leonard, even though he's a luxury the Rams don't really need at FB or RB. The old days of fullback focused meat and potatoes football is evolving with fewer meatheads and potato heads to deal with, with their kind having eaten themselves nearly extinct from the potatoes directly converting to disease-giving sugar and the dead meat converting people to dead meat much earlier.

#26 DE Vernon Gholston

2 G Will Arnold

3 SS Chris Horton

14 New York Jets

! The old and now extinct "Patriots' Way" has been exported to New York.

? The Jets are so desperate for front line help they signed Andre Wadsworth, who can't be worth a wad after not having played for 7 years. I guess he got the athlete's equivalent of the 7 year itch. They also signed Michael Haynes who had been out of football and still have Bobby Hamilton who should be. Maybe signing Eric Hicks, who the defenseless Chiefs were giddy to get rid of due to deteriorating skills, will see to that.

N -- 3

07 -- 5

F -- 2

The Jets shopping list also included two wrestlers, who had not played much further than Pee-Wee, but hey that's the " Patriot Way", having signed wrestler Stephen Neal to start on the Pats' line, despite never putting on pads in college. With the Billichek protege Eric Mangini (AKA the "Man-genius") maintaining the Patriots' way of zeroing in on players really liked, Billichek went the other route and got players that nobody else liked on and off the field. The Jets propulsion launched up the draft board to take Darrelle Revis since his direction was hardly ever passed to and then took David Harris whose direction running backs only wish they didn't try to pass through. Neither of them appear to be as fast as their surprising 40 times however.

# 27 3-4 OLB Brian Cushing

   2 3-4 DE Chris Long

   3 TE Martin Rucker

15 Pittsburgh Steelers

! Reaches for all 3 day 1 picks! That would qualify as a "?" but Steelers fans are calling GM Kevin Colbert the worst GM and making explicit death threats for Mike Tomlin.

? How long will 3-4 Steeler stalwarts primarily stay in the 3-4? That still remains a question after

taking three defenders that can play either the 3-4 or the 4-3. To keep opposing punt returners guessing as well, the Steelers traded up for punter Daniel Sepulveda, whose left footed spin is promised to be more wicked than anything any leftist political pundit can come up with.

N -- 6

07 -- 8

F -- 3

Consider this a team of transition. Maybe it is change that Steelers traditionalists are really hating. With these 3 defenders, the Steelers can be bigger flip-flops than the husband of the heiress of the company that has their name permanently attached to the Steelers' stadium (John Kerry and Teresa Heinz).

# 14 CB Justin King

    2 WR Malcolm Kelly

    3 G Pedro Sosa

16 Green Bay Packers

! On the bright side, Packer fans at least won't have to have to see their publicly owned team have Randy "Packer mooning" Moss, show them again where the sun don't shine.

? Justin Harrell? What does this do for the Green Bay Farvergnugeners?

N -- 5

07 -- 5

F -- 1

They could have taken the next over-hyped quarterback to succeed the uber hyped Farve, but probably had visions of Aaron Rodgers and Kyle Boller, other recent free-falling quarterbacks who like Quinn, shouldn't have been perched so high on the draft tree in the first place. Good thing none of their hours long fall physically hurt, being attached to strings of their QB gurus. Brandon Jackson is the back-up Farve had in mind. Well at least his position on the field, but there's not much action to Jackson's game. He's slow to the hole and not prone to put down his shoulders when he gets there, though its not known whether that is only because of both his shoulders not being healthy. But if you're going to take a risk on a running back with bad shoulders, they should have taken one who really could have paid off with Adrian Peterson in a trade-up. Now that would have kicked off the new Farvergnugen campaign for the only publicly owned team to drive around in a nice Volkswagon with fahrvergnugen, which means people's car. Instead the Packers will be driving around in a Corvair and an Oscar Meyer wiener mobile next year. The Packers could tumble this year like a house of cards.

#15 CB Jack Ikegwuonu

   2 TE Chase Coffman

   3 QB Matt Ryan

The Packers have seemingly been drafting cornerbacks ever since Randy Moss began toasting them, but then thinking they might land him, ignored the position in 07. But this year there's a ball thief in their backyard. His draft status is a little bit of an x-factor since he got his hands on a five finger discount, courtesy of somebody's X-box, but if he snags five picks and covers like icing, that should be water under the bridge. In the second round, the Packer faithful finally land a tight end, which they have been clamoring for years for, and he turns out to be the son of Packer great Paul Coffman. In the third they find the quarterback that ends the Farve era (at least his spot on the roster and his locker after a petulant year).

17 Denver Broncos

! The Broncos can only hope their top 2 Gator picks won't get the munchies and turn a Bronco into live bait, especially with the Broncos off-season, which featured two players' free-agent defection to heaven. At least this cleans up most of the remaining Doo-Doo Browns' turds and cursed cast-offs that stained pristine Denver for two years (an amazing 8 defensive lineman in total).

? Denver threw safety to the wind by trading up to take two tokin' turds out of the swamp. Denver's opponents will be throwing past Bronco safeties all game long, even if a hurricane passes through.

N -- 2

07 -- 2

F -- 1

Love him or hate him, Al Davis' ex coaches follow in line of the uber turd collector. This year's offerings dutifully scooped up include Marcus Thomas and Jarvis Moss, who probably would have ended up matching Thomas' 2 suspensions had he stayed another year as a Gator, which he ought to have since he's just a spindly, stiff, one-trick pony that's nowhere close to being a full-fledged bucking Bronco. After the death-defying off-season that defeated two infinitely, the Broncos were the last team who should trade up for a guy who'll strictly make his living, living on the edge, but coach Shanahan decided he had to get a Moss to one-up his despised ex-boss Al Davis, who lost a Moss. Had they stayed at black jack's 21, they would have still been guaranteed Moss availability, (despite my prediction of the yo-yo Lions trading down and then up for Moss at #17) but Shanahan can't stand anything that reminds him of black after having going over to the dark side to coach for Davis. Had they stayed they would have had their third round pick to get Thomas, which would have left them their whole draft, instead of holes in the draft that Shanahan and his rat teeth chewed through. Though talented as he is, there's no doubting Thomas when it comes to his pass rush repertoire, which can be easily pigeonholed, with his non-existent change-up. Other than Tim Crowder, who was selected just for insurance against Moss flopping, the other lone Bronco, Ryan Harris, inspired nothing but doubts with his matador blocking. A word of advice to you Mr. Harris, Broncos that want to be free from rodeos don't like matadors. Oh and some advice to Mr. Thomas, don't put the high in Rocky Mountain High, because you have the chance to be the best up front Bronco in years

# 21 OLB Keith Rivers

   2   RT Kirk Barton

   The Broncos would have to be on a suicidal mission ignoring safety on the first day.

18 Cincinatti Bengals

! Leon Hall Monitor and Kenny "you'll never catch me in leg" Irons were the perfect picks for the suddenly more image conscious/obsessed Bengals than any celebrity or corporation.

? Hall however can be beat by speed (Ted Ginn) and even got beat deep by Dwayne Jarrette. Irons only has speed to offer in his game and with him now being a Bengal may only end up offering it to children in exchange for their prescriptions.

N -- 2

07 -- 4

F -- 4

Cincinatti, wasn't there anybody without criminal records you could have taken at DT and OLB? Branch would have been perfect for size matters inside Marvin Lewis, and Branch even testified in his defense asking what kind of trouble could a dude get into that loves cartoons? Judging by such violence obsessed cartoons like the Road Runner, a lot apparently.

# 25 DT Sedrick Ellis

   2 OLB Xavier Adibi

   3 TE Fred Davis

19 Tennessee Titans

! Vince Young is the Madden cover boy!

? 3 inconsistent at best picks on day one.

N -- 4

07 -- 0

F -- 0

Expect the Madden curse to strike like lightning for Vince Young. He should sue for criminal negligence, willful lack of support, and creating a dangerous workplace environment by trying to surround Young with players that are about as ready as a kit car before the engine is installed and have the heart of the Tin Woodman In the Wizard of Oz (not including Michael Griffin into that mix who is merely a reach as an inconsistent athlete and a pit bull breeder:). However the no-brain Scarecrow Titans have decided to convert Griffin to cornerback, to make up for their no brain pick of the no-brain Pacman, with his year long suspension. Paul Williams' only hope is to help is to take care of Pacman's returns, even though he's already been blowing past Griffin.

With the entire Titan backfield having sunken like the Titanic when Lendale "le whale" White plopped aboard, the Titans needed to come away with a ready to run thoroughbred, but instead got the complete project Chris Henry, he of the career 3.3 yard rushing average in the passive and fancy passing Pac 10 conference. Why not just trade for the Bengals' Chris Henry for the first 8 games of the season who would likely be as effective in his suspension as the other Henry in question, and he definitely is a question, but at least not under seemingly weekly police questioning as the Bengals' Henry. More interest should have been made in obtaining Michael "the Burner" Turner and his 6.0 career average which went up every year and which was achieved against pro defenses mostly expecting him to run to run out the clock. He also ran back 36 kickoffs for an average of 26.5 yards. Not bad for a 237 pounder. AJ Smith is thought to possibly have been a stickler for a first round pick, al though he didn't bother taking a first round valued pick in the bust to be, Craig "Buster" Davis, and with the Titans second round pick he could quite likely have taken Eric Weddle, saving him from giving up 4 draft picks. Instead he gets Turner for a one and done year as a back-up yet again. Since the Titans also reached for the inconsistent Michael Griffin, who was a borderline first round prospect, both teams would have been well advised to flip-flop first and second round picks, along with some other Titan consideration possibly. Except for one-man gang Vince Young and a boat load of lousy receivers, the Titans don't have any players left, but offensive co-ordinator Norm Chow sure would be nice for the suddenly coaching challenged Chargers. Keep dreaming San Diego, but the Titans could light the match to get "the Burner" without any trade compensation next year.

Before his junior year, Young was pretty much expected to convert to WR in the pros, but next year the Titan will do just that so he can find someone to catch his passes. The current skill crop is so woefully malnourished that sub Saharan countries are sending in offerings and condolences. This flock can be nothing but a flop. Tyrone Henry was wanted about as much as Erykah Badu did "Tyrone", because of his exorbitant roster bonus. Chris Brown wants the hell out of town and the Titans obviously don't want him around.   No one else is left in the Titan backfield but the behemoth White and at tight end everyone is befallen by injuries or cut by "the turk".¡ö. That's OK, some people thought Young would make a great pro tight end too. Since Vince doesn't double on defense, a defensive end better equipped than the Jacoby Ford Jalopy would have been highly beneficial for last year's 32nd ranked defense, in pressuring the other team's quarterback, instead of just Young. Super fans expect Young to be Superman and be able to play tennis against himself a la the Tortoise against the Hare. If he can survive the curse, Young could be a red hot commodity on the fantasy market, since he could easily end up with two third of the Titans passing and rushing (and maybe even receiving) totals. Or he could turn into a turbulent turd like Pacman or Fat Albert Haynesworth with the constant pressure he'll be under. That could give the Titans the same kind of record, they had without him last year, a big 0 in the victory column

# 10 DE Lawrence Jackson

   2 WR Early Doucet

   3 OL Herman Johnson

Desperate for winners like Vince Young, the Titans draft only players from the national championship game. Jackson could be a bust like former teammate Kenechi Udeze. If he doesn't crank up the pass rush again, he could end up being moved inside on passing downs with another 40 pounds, which would be helpful, since the Titans have one DT in Rien Long who was worried he may lose his foot this off-season, and another in Haynesworth who just lost his head and tried to make Andre Gurode lose his too, by stomping on it with his big foot. Coach Fisher almost lost his foot when he kicked A-hole Albert's big butt. The smell of turds was instantly removed from Titan land, until Pacman returns.

20 New York Giants

? Now that the once league worst San Diego Chargers has become the most talented team, how long will it be for the Giants to become the most miserable midgets of the league?

! That's our Tiki on TV!

N -- 6

07 -- 3

F -- 3

Without Tiki, nor a decent LT, Archie Manning may get Eli to go on strike. He just might end up getting sent to the bench (or the hospital). That is if the Giants had any interest in having anyone who could present just minimal competition to Manning, instead of shopping at the 99 cents store for their other quarterbacks. If the completely non-descript Brian St. Pierre turns out to better at futbol than football, then the Giants ought to go after "The Bachelor," turned some time color commentator, Jessie Palmer, who was a back-up with the Giants, just as he was in college, and therefore shouldn't present the franchise Eli Manning any kind of legitimate competition. But after playing quarterback for Sargeant Spurrier and Colonel Coughlin, Palmer would probably prefer to get paid to go on dates and talk a little. Maybe if ex-Boston College coach Coughlin, who lost his input in this past draft, survives the season, and is given a pick to make, will take Matt Ryan in the 3 ^rd round, stocking the Giants with 3 Boston College quarterbacks. Out of spite they could trade the not yet a man, Manning to the Chargers for a 3rd round pick to compete for the 3 ^rd string position (though they possibly have the most potential loaded 3rd string quarterback in Charlie Whitehurst).

#18 LT Tony Hills (trade down with Carolina from their 11 spot)

   2 RB Steve Slaton

   2 DE Kenny Ibewema (received in trade with Carolina)

   3 FS Quinton Demps

The Giants take an African named DE to cover for one in Mathias Kiwanuka who was moved to OLB. The Giants deny selecting Ibewema had anything to do with Strahan being moved to tears every time he moved on the field, because he was reminded of his ex-wife having a moving sale with all of Strahan's personal possessions. It's OK Mikey, if you didn't have that gap between your teeth a truck could drive through, you might have been able to have kept a stiff upper lip, but you swallowed it along with your Giant pride. It turned out that that gap was the only gap he considered shooting through in 07 after a sackless year.

21 Jacksonville Jaguars

? Only question is whether the QB and coach can get along. The inept receivers might hold the key for the only opportunity. "Might" might have been upgraded were it not for the receivers inevitably dropping the given key, should they get actually get open.

! A trade-down for their top need and near hometown hero Reggie Nelson!

N -- 9

07 -- 8

F -- 7

Justin Durant will run wild behind the Twin Towers at DT, which unlike the triplet towers at receiver drafted in the past 3 years (or quadruplets with re-signing of Ernest Wilfork) are worth their weight in gold. They don't just pull their own weight, they dominate, with teammates on their coattails (which is just want Durant needs since his DL really helped him at Hampton). The receivers don't do much more than stand-off till a stalemate, and Mike Walker, who despite his 40 time is more of a walker than a sprinter. Though the starters can't be much more shaky, he does not offer potential starter status. That however will be a given with Reggie Nelson who will pounce on any receiver near the ball like a Jaguar looking to do lunch. With Adam Podlesh, "the turk" will probably cut P Chris Hanson, unless Hanson gets pre-emptive and brings out the axe and tries cutting off his foot in the locker room again. Note to Coach Jack Del Rio, you had better be sure you got rid of that axe, because your starting quarterback may be tempted to go postal with it. Oh and don't even mention Brady Quinn's name again in 2007, unless it's to say how glad you were not taking him (which after Quinn's rookie struggles will be redundantly obvious).

#29 DE Derrick Harvey

2 QB Chad Henne

3 CB Joe Burnette

Leftwich has already left Jacksonville mentally and only has a year left and Henne is too experienced to fall any farther.

22 Brady Quinn

23 Kansas City Chiefs

! The Chiefs finally get a WR! Unfortunately he shows up late for his first practice and drops a bunch of balls, which puts his miraculous Lasik laser eye surgery into question, even though he was legally blind without his contacts before it. Now he'll just try to make contact with the ball.

? Did the Chiefs just give up on attempting to replace Hall of Famers to be Willie Roaf and William Shields?

N -- 8

07 -- 8

F -- 4

The Chiefs were desperate grooms for Turk McBride, a 3-4 projected D-lineman who ought to have gone in rounds 3-4. For others he would just eventually become a third down pass rusher, but for the Chiefs he'd better get busy quickly, cuz they need inside pressure more than a 40 year old nymphomaniac virgin. He'll also be kicked to the curb at DE with Jared Allen being suspended for the first quarter of the season. In college he was mostly the team's fifth wheel and he'll be in the same kind of rotation as a Chief.

#16 OT Jared Gaither

2 G-T Michael Oher

  3 CB Michael Jenkins

With Gaither's weight, he ought to be able to make meat loaf out of ends like Roaf did and Oher will bring the Chiefs a shield again. Gaither may have to enter the supplemental draft and could be gathered in the latter part of next year's draft, because of his still developing skills, but the Chiefs are excellent at developing OL (unlike DT's).

24 New England Patriots

? What happened to the Patriots' way of taking team-first players? This off-season is akin to the US Police Academies suddenly only taking recruits from the ruthless crew of Fallujah insurgents.

! Bill Billicheck will have this motley crew spewing "hallelujah to ya" and singing kumbaya in no time.

N -- 3

07 -- 0

F -- 10

This year with everybody else suddenly concerned about crazy characters that lack real character, because of suspensions and threatened loss of draft picks, head chef Billichek's new agenda is to make a Super Bowl Suffle out of fresh and spoiled turds. Last year to make it a challenge, he blindfolded and tied the hands of Patriots before taking the field, with 13% of his salary cap left on the table to spoil. The plan this year was to take players nobody liked on or off the field. Brandon Merriweather lost his first round status on the field this past year, both with his not so good play and his not so nice stomping. Kareem Brown didn't get much consistent playing time with his inconsistency and was benched his senior year, and then clocked a painfully slow 5.4 40. Mr. Billichik, we know you could teach an army of ants to beat the armies of some countries, (and I'm not talking about Switzerland or Antarctica) but could you please get some ILB's with some speed? I hope you're not thinking this is some illicit request. By the looks of your drafts, I think you do. Speaking of illicit activity, Randy Moss played like his last name last year. He might have spent more time on the grass off the field, than on the grass on the field. This off-season he once again smoked fast 40's -- 4.23 with the Packers and 4.29 with the Pats, but he was trippin' he didn't blaze a 4:20 time. Now that would have been smokin'! (as a Jim Carrey character might say)! In a mode of one-upmanship, Billichik will attempt to show his one time right hand, one time Pats' offensive coordinator man Charlie Weiss, how to coach defense by selecting the toast of Touchdown Jesusland, Notre Dame corner Mike Richardson. Unfortunately it was opposing wide receivers that had the champagne on ice waiting for them in the end zone.

# 16 (SF) ILB Rey Mualuga

# 32 RB Jonathan Stewart

   2 SS Tommy Zbikowki

   3 OLB Shawn Crable

   3 CB Simeon Castille

Stewart might seem like a silly luxury, but not if he's healthy this year and Laurence Maroney's injuries continue to haunt him, it won't look that way come April with the lack of big backs in the draft. Mualuga will make the Patriots forget all about the Teddy Bruschi

25 Carolina Panthers

! 4 starters?

? SOS ¨C safety please!

The Panthers could very possibly have picked up 4 rookie starters and an immediate punt returner, though that's more an indictment of some of the current Panthers than a crowning of the rookies. Nevertheless the Panthers still didn't address their top need, which was getting a two headed safety, since they might not end up having one safety next year. 7 ^th round CB CJ Wilson will probably be forced inside. In the words of Dana Carvey's George (pre-Dubya) Bush ¨C "not gonna do it". They did get a former safety in Jon Beason, but like Thomas Davis, he's purely a LB now and likely drafted for insurance with Dan Morgan's safety in mind, since his head could be as non-existent as the existence of the Carolina safeties in 2007 with one strong gust of wind. After Keyshawn Johnson seemed to swallow his tongue, he pledged to teach Dwayne Jarrett how to play physical, but instead it's Jarrett teaching Me-shawn humility, with Johnson getting kicked to the curb. I guess this one can be filed under karma, since Johnson had pronounced Jarrett not ready for the pros, though his main drawback is his non-correctable lack of foot speed. He should be getting a lot of tight end-like routes, since the Panthers haven't had a tight end in years. They drafted Dante Rosario, but he was a fullback, until Oregon did away with that position. Maybe the Panthers are ahead of the evolutionary curve. Fullbacks have almost gone extinct in the NFL, and the Panthers may be leading the march to do move past tight ends and safeties? Will they play 3 cornerbacks and a linebacker back there?

#11 S Kenny Phillips

   3 SS Jamarcus Adams

The Panthers gladly trade up for Phillips and consider using him for both safety spots simultaneously, (though in different years) but then take another safety instead.

26 Dallas Cowboys

! The Cowboys stole the Browns' first round pick next year -- maybe the first pick!

? No pure WR and not a CB in the first 6 rounds -- their top 2 needs?

N -- 1

07 -- 3

F -- 10

Oh well, they could land the top 2 next year. I guess that island area is such a foreign land to Cowboys that they took about 45 hours to decide to make a call to an inhabitant of the island, though they'll attempt to convert QB Isiah Stanback to WR. They must be expecting the duo of Demarcus Ware and Anthony Spencer to be such disrupters that opposing quarterbacks will be scared to set up shop in the pocket. Why Jerry Jones would want to pay a 3 million roster bonus to keep an eternally immature, physically too mature receiver, (33) who drops passes just to keep people guessing, in Terrell Owens is beyond all rationality. Owens might convince Tony Romo to throw some bad passes in protest of all the announcers continuously talking about how Dallas was a possibility for Brady Quinn to be picked by Dallas. In his selfishness Owens, might up the ante in his ego's battle with Jeff Garcia by threatening Romo to make a heave-ho pass to Garcia's Playboy fiancee in Tampa Bay when the Cowboys play in Miami. Owens questioned Garcia's manhood and humanity by basically saying Garcia puts the g-a- in gay. "It if looks like a rat and smells like a rat, then by golly it's a rat," as Owens explained. Well then by golly I give Owens a big piece of cheese and nominate Owens as the gayest of the gay with his absolute obsession with his own body, his insistence on wearing lycra spandex in Philadelphia, having a publicist, and celebrating one touchdown by taking a cheerleader's pompoms to shake. Oh and when a nearly naked Desperate Milf Housewife jumped into his arms, his acting was a whole lot more robotic than anything Don Juan suave-like. I guess everything is mechanically an act to T-O-. If only he could get his act together and notice something besides himself, the Cowboys could be going all the way, or Owens just migh

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